Downey and Strawberry: The Sad State of Celebrity

Recently in the headlines, we have all witnessed a depressing tale of American gluttony. It's the story of two guys who can't find their roles in life.

Yes, I am talking about Robert Downey Jr. and Darryl Strawberry. Two guys who can't avoid substance abuse, despite apparently having more lives than an alley cat.

If your new to this world, than you haven't heard the tale of two men, one a gifted actor and the other a baseball player.

There are two sides to the debate. Should we feel sorry for these guys, or blame these guys for abusing their pampered celebrity.

I'll take the high road, and, to provide the counterpoint to this dicussion, I'd like to introduce you all to my evil twin, Boozy.

BOOZY: (gruffier voice than mine) Thanks for having me here today Douby... it's my pleasure to make your life a living hell.

Douby: Always good to see you brother Boozy.

B: @#T me.

D: So, let's get right into it. My first reaction after the recent arrest of Downey Jr. was that of pity. The poor guy. He's trying to turn his life around but can't fight the demons of drug abuse.

B: Are you kidding me? You want to talk Demons... the guy's on that popular Fox TV show 'Ally McBeal' for gosh sakes. I defy you to kiss that stick for a week and not freebase.

D: Darryl Strawberry. Here's a guy who played a key role on the New York Yankees 1999 World Series team, and a year later was found visiting a crackhouse.

My question is this: couldn't somebody on the Yankees take care of this poor guy. I mean, if there ever was a lost soul, it was Darryl.

This giant corporation can't hire an intern or somebody at $25K a year to make sure their ballplayer makes his wake up call. Give me a break.

B: Lost soul?! Yes, he's a guy who's made millions playing baseball in between drug-induced collapses... you'd think he could buy a road map, if not a clue.

I mean, hey, nobody's given me a break today... so why is it fair that the extremely rich can wobble and not fall down? Speaking of which, what's the deal with Downey Jr?

D: This is a sad tale: a man who grew up in a Hollywood family and was raised in the fast lane. Let's face it... the guy was raised in the movies, where everything always works out. There is no reality in La La Land.

B: The only contribution Downey offers to society is that I remember to rotate my mattress every time he gets arrested for drugs. At least on TV, they put druggies in jail and throw away the key.

D: Okay, Boozy... let's agree on this then. Call it Hollywood, call it Major League Baseball: Strawberry and Downey are products of the big system, just as nicotine addiction is the product of Phillip Morris.

I believe the big system should be just as responsible for the lives of these two "Stars."
B: mmmfff...@#$%!

D: Sorry, Boozy, that's all the time we have on this topic. See you again in Doubyland.

Two symbols of Democracy are battling for our mindshare this holiday season in what could be the most meaningful conflict of Americana in recent history. This isn't politics folks, this is hollywood.

No, I'm not talking about Bush Gore. I'm talking about the tearing decision as to whether you should go see "Charlie's Angels" or "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas."

Personally, remakes aren't my bag. I rarely believe you should try to remake success. Now, whether you consider them successes or not, both of the original programs each has long since carved its place in the institution of American pop history.

On one side you had Farrah's bouncing t-shirt, on the other you had the long, green furry smile of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch." Why should we even allow someone to remake these movies?

Well, I'm here to tell you that I will see both, but I will love Charlie's and will only like Grinch. I say this because of what I've seen. First, let me say that I've seen Charlie's and still have a smile. This movie exploded with energy -- no, not the boom boom Schwartzenegger raucus energy, I'm talking about the pulsating, roller-coaster tummy quakes that you only feel on occasions. Hot music, sexy architecture, color. This is a movie of the new millennium. This is not as much a remake of the old as it is an invention of the new.

Call this movie "The Three Girls Who Kickbox" and I still go see it. You must go see it.

My expectations for the Grinch are not nearly that fortuitious. Truly, the movie is a hard-line story that is based on an outrageous character in a very simple situation. Dr. Suess and the guy who made the resulting cartoon did it with color, and creativity and art. The movie will try to do it with Jim Carrey. Frankly, I just don't see how. Jim is good. Dumb and Dumber good, but not Michelangelo Good. And that's what you're gonna need if you're going to outdo the originality and fairytaleness that was brought to us by book and cartoon more than 30 years ago. It is art.

Yes, I'll see the Grinch, but I don't expect it to be an improvement.

Stick with the Angels.

Today is definitely Friday.

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